There are all sorts of people.
Millions of them.
And all different.
Some folks are real perfectionists who like keeping everything in check and everybody on their toes.
Others are just angry and make people around defensive while wondering why the hell is everybody so sensitive.
Some people are quite confident, good willed and often very good at resolving dramas as they bring to the table respect and understanding.
Truth is, certain folks are damn good at human relations while others, very naively, tend to make a mess out of them.
How do they differentiate?
The former understand how the human mind works and hold much more compassion for their fellow human beings.
The latter donโt really know how their state of mind effects relationships and how criticism and pressure are no oneโs best friends.
Truth is, no one likes being chastised for theirย behaviour.
Especially the habitual behaviour that usually lands us into trouble.
When we screw up (in my case, still quite often!) the last thing we want is to be humiliated and punished, is that right?
But if we are approached with understanding and good will, weโll feel more inclined to drop the self sabotaging habits and start making sensible decisions in life.
When we understand the role our mental state plays in relationships, dealing with others becomes easier and more enjoyable.
It wonโt guarantee roses at all times, but weโll be able to handle people with more grace and respect.
How can we bring out the best in people?
Accordingly to Dr George Pransky weโd all normally fall within two โinteraction cyclesโ accordingly to our state of mind:
- THE CHIP ON THE SHOULDER CYCLE:ย During this time, we feel irritated and in a negative frame of mind. Any interaction will be likely unproductive as weโll be annoyed, impatientย and perhaps angry.ย People will bring up their defenses as they wonโt trust us enough to be open when we are in a state of ill will.ย There will be quite a bit of emotional reaction and defensiveness in the air at this time. Of course when we are so irritated others will appear to be difficult because we will be quite rigid and inflexible in our judgement.
- THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT CYCLE:ย Here we will experience good will and respect because our egos will be at rest. Weโll be keen to listen to others, flexible in our judgement and cooperative. This way, others will lower their guard and be more likely to let us in.
We all go through both cycles.
What makes a difference though is our ability to spend more time in the โbenefit of the doubt cycleโ.
As we raise our level of goodwill, people will be more cooperative and respond better to us.
If your partner, kids or friends seem resistant it may well be you have lost you warm feelings towards them. People are like magnets after all, attracting or repelling one another all the time through their ego or altruism.
Think about a timeย youโve tried to deal with them while feeling insecure, agitated or angry.
What happened?
Very likely they reacted to your words and deeds.
So you both started a โreaction spiralโ, dealing with each other out of emotion rather than wisdom.
At times like that, what we need is a โchange of heartโ.
No matter how angry or distant we feel from someone if we let our mind quieten downย we soon start experiencing inner silence. This is when anyone, despite the circumstances, can really see life anew.
In a moment of clarity, suddenly our old thinking drops away and we can look at issues in a more positive and productive way.
When we allow ourselves to have a change of heart, no matter how small it is, weโll create opportunities to improve our relations.
All we need is a sweet moment of quiet.
Wrapping it up:
- whenever you are dealing with a sensitive matter, do check what state of mind you are in
- if you are in a โchip on your shoulderโ moment, just get your heart in the right place before dealing with others
- if you are feeling despondent, remember that we all deserve the โbenefit of the doubtโ and most of all, remember all the mistakes youโve been collectingย along the way
- whenever others seem defensive, just stop the conversation and go back to them another time with more gentleness and goodwill. No matter how long itโll take, they will likely respond in kind eventually.
Would you like to learn how your thinking can be both very compelling and deceiving?
My coaching program ย Evoking Graceย will offer you inspiring and effective ways to deal with everyday challenges while keeping your cool.ย
You can contact meย by emailย for more details on the work I offer or to schedule a โWisdom Within Sessionโ.
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Blog originally publishedย here.