When Help Doesn’t Help

We all like to help others.

It makes us feel good about ourselves and often gives a purpose to our life.

But help doesn’t always help and more often than not we end up giving too much away if not careful.

For many giving and helping gives them a sense of worth.

Others believe that by constantly sharing they are fulfilling their spiritual quest.

But what they fail to see is that by doing so they reinforce someone else’s habit of lack.

We all remember the needy friend who’d profess poverty, don’t we?

For some arcane reason, they never quite managed to turn things around.

They’d actually give all sorts of reason why things could not change.

We believed them and helped on.

We never realized that we were just feeding our friend’s habit of “low havingness.”

They could never learn how to better their situation because we never gave them a chance in the first place.

So this giving and taking only keeps “lack” alive, because it actually impoverishes us of the ability to create for ourselves.

Along with needy friends, we may also deal with people who don’t actually ask for help or are not “aligned” with our gifts.

We all cared for an ill family member who was just not ready to heal yet. We’d offer advice, medicines & time only to find them still stuck in their familiar belief of illness.

After realizing they never followed our advice or took their medicines, we’d feel disappointed or taken advantage of.

But they never asked for help.

And if they did, they surely didn’t look committed.

Truth is, sometimes helping is just “interfering” and from an energetic point of view, it deprives us of the opportunity to grow.

Why can’t we stop giving & offering?

We may get a sense of worth through being at service, but also a sense of being in control. We’re all guilty of doing things for our partners and kids thinking that whatever it is that needs doing, we’ll do it faster, better…& mess free!

But being a “full-time helper” also makes us feel good, means we are not selfish and we are better than those who tend to put themselves first. It also means everybody is going to like us because we are just “damn nice”… and how dare they if they don’t!!!

There could also be cultural reasons! Coming from an Italian background, I often witnessed family members demanding and expecting help because of the “whole family thing.”

And what about the takers?

When we constantly accept others’ help and don’t take responsibility for our life, we stay in victim mode. We’ll always have reasons to think the world is a tough and unfair place and others have it easier and better. When we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to “go & make it happen” our soul does not grow.

When does help really help?

We truly support others when we come from a place of integrity and mastery. When we walk our talk others are normally drawn to us and we can then show them what to do with their own resources. Mostly, when we hold them capable to provide for themselves there’s an empowering exchange of support and respect.

Each one of us walks a unique path and is meant to grow through challenges same as success. When we keep on giving we alter the natural law of growth and unable others to master their potential. At the same time, those who heavily rely on external help will have to face the same challenge all over again ’till they finally manage to move forward.

So next time you rush to offer a helping hand, ask yourself if you are actually slowing someone else’s growth and if you are quick to accept others’ help, think that sooner or later you’re just gonna have to get on with it!

Wrapping it up:

  • We all have qualities and skills which we entered this Life with. These “golden nuggets” are ours and ours only and cannot be given away. When we “over help” our pot goes down and we are left energetically depleted because we are literally giving our inner force away. Hence we often feel tired and resentful without even know why!
  • “Don’t give them fish but show them how to fish”: we help others when we invite them to make the most out of their qualities and strengths! Not when we let them use ours!
  • If you think you need/deserve others’ help ask yourself where you hold a belief of lack and inability! Ask yourself why you don’t think YOU CAN create and thrive with your own help!
  • If you felt resistance reading these words, see what excuses came up for you: “I need to help them ’cause they are my friend/mum/husband” or “I can’t do it on my own because when I was little…”
  • Now that you are aware of your habit of giving or taking, just smile and congratulate yourself. Then take a small step to break this pattern. Saying NO is often hard but makes a good start!


Thank you for visiting Bliss in the City.

If you like my work and want to know how I can help you find balance and ease in the midst of urban madness, click here & here!

Much Love & Grace from My heart to Yours xxx


Blog originally published here.

2 thoughts on “When Help Doesn’t Help”

  1. Gadabouts Travel

    Excellent observation of givers and takers – I see more clearly which one I am and where I need to change…..Thank you!

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